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The Toy House [Sep. 23rd, 2008|01:15 am]
[Current Location |Downtown Apartment]
[Current Mood |chipperchipper]
[Current Music |I Miss You - Blink 182]

I want to open a toy store in Little Five Points.
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Memorial Day [May. 23rd, 2008|08:24 am]
[Current Location |Late for Work]
[Current Mood |fullfull]
[Current Music |Oscillating Ceiling Fan]

RenFaire Saturday...join me!

Lake Lanier Sunday...cook out!

Have a fun holiday everyone! ;)
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I'm awake [May. 10th, 2008|11:54 am]
[Current Location |A home]
[Current Mood |exhausteddead]
[Current Music |Prayers on the Wind]

I dreamed last night a great memory of joy with my love...
The harshness of waking near struck my soul with despair...
My strength lies with me when I'm brought down waiting...
Again in dreams I rise and the weight of me suffers.

This path of no beginnings holds me fast for I dare not wander...
Look away and see me no longer to give your heart ease...
A blind path is easier to follow with will abandoned...
No where do we travel any faster than here.
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I lost a friend [Apr. 16th, 2008|08:35 am]
[Current Location |Late]
[Current Music |None]

And it breaks my heart.

They were worth the risk, but I knew it was a risk right from the start.

Its just sad.
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So, no jokes aside... [Apr. 1st, 2008|01:23 am]
[Current Location |A stone's throw from IKEA.]
[Current Mood |chipperchipper]
[Current Music |Let the sunshine in.]

...yesterday was the second anniversary of my divorce. I celebrated with friends at the Highlander and failed to win DRUNK bingo.

On a different note. Everything is going well. I'm doing fine and seem to be a little happy in spite of myself. Wacky how the world turns round.

I hope everyone else is doing well.

See ya around.

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I walked in heaven. [Feb. 6th, 2008|01:04 am]
[Current Location |The Mik Cave of Yor...]
[Current Mood |sadsad]
[Current Music |In my head...again.]

No matter what it was in reality, I walked in heaven. Eternity lay before me as beautiful as the woman I loved. No, that's too dramatic...poetic.

I was as close to being in love as I could ever be. That feeling was beyond anything that I've ever known. And someone was in love with me. I put my faith in love and I believed that no wrong could ever hurt me while I was in love. I was wrong. My love didn't want me. Our love wasn't strong enough for her wants to keep me. Love failed to overcome any obstacle. My world was shattered and I became a pathetic mess.

I was desperate to put it back, to fix it. My weakness overwhelmed me. I was nothing without my love. And it was true. I was without love. I couldn't feel it anymore. Not from the woman who loved me nor my friends who cared for me. I couldn't feel it. No matter how much I wanted it, it was gone. Instead of finding solace and compassion from my friends I found only disappointment and alienation. A few stood firm and weathered my insanity. To this day they still do. I had no idea that I had so few real friends nor how incredible they were.

I put my faith in people. I thought that everyone had the capacity for unlimited love. But people are scared and ignorant and selfish and obsessed with their own comfort far too much to allow love no limits. I am guilty of that as well.

I've never been so lost and hurt in my life. I have never been so aware of my being alone. My voice is tiny in this world and easily lost in the noise of everyone else's words. And so many people are saying the same thing as me. We're not saying anything that has not been said before. As if we are echoes with slightly different voices and choice of words. Nothing I can say matters. No one can hear me, I can't hear me. I'm not getting better.

I hurt today just as much as I hurt when I realized Veaya was no longer with me. The pain is not going away. I'm not healing. I keep fighting and fighting and fighting, but nothing changes. I try so many different things and nothing stops it. I've replaced her and distracted myself from her and become numb to the world and let my pain have me and denied it. I've run from it and ran towards it. It haunts my dreams and waking hours. It chases me from false sanctuary to false sanctuary. I cannot be rid of it.

I've tried to live with it. But I'm surrounded by people who are right next to me and completely, absurdly, out of reach. And those that reach for me, I recoil and run from them. They scare me. I don't trust me. I don't feel love. I don't feel them. I can't feel them. They are right there in front of me and I can't touch them. They want me and I can't have them. Because I want something more, something that may not exist. And I don't know what it is.

I walked in heaven and now I walk in hell as much so. There is a gnawing, empty, pain at the base of my skull that drives me to be a better person. There is a screaming, red, throbbing thought that tells me we need an obvious and lasting evil so that we might have the opportunity in the horror to be heroically good. So that we would put down the petty world and know what is truly important in this life. I don't want to be that evil, nobody does. Its uncomfortable. I do not want to sacrifice my life and lose the little comforts that I have left. No one wants to sacrifice their comfort to do the right thing. Only the legends of our past did so.

They say, in fictional writing, that a hero is only as great as his nemesis. If the bad guy is incredible, the hero must be equally so to stand up to evil or defeat it. The worst of times brings our most celebrated heroes to life. Nobody gave a shit about the firefighters and cops of New York City until the tragedy of 9/11 happened. Now they are our heroes. But even their heroic deeds are waning to time and popularity.

But I digress.

The problem with finding happiness with the "toys" we surround ourselves with in success, is that someone is going to be left out of the happiness. Not everyone can afford the "toys" of the world or better, they refuse them. They will never find happiness this way. Is there another way? Even the ones who can afford "toys" find that there happiness never endures and is gone until rekindled with another "toy". But this doesn't matter. It is just another petty noise I make. Let the world find happiness where it wants.

Though I no longer find happiness there. I am lost and lonely and scared.

I don't think I will find heaven again. I hope it finds me.

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The answer to one little question... [Jan. 9th, 2008|02:46 am]
[Current Location |The Mik Cave of Yore]
[Current Mood |highhigh]
[Current Music |American Pie]

I just posted this response to a friend's journal. Enjoy.

Sex, for all the right reasons, is incredible. Sex for sex sake will leave you empty and hollow like any heavy drug. The quick way to happiness has never been the best way. Neither has gathering the world's toys around you. You may find comfort for a moment but it leaves you craving more and more while satisfying your hunger less and less. Nothing you own will ever bring you lasting or true happiness. It only brings you comfort and still that does not last. Its not supposed to.

There is a certain freedom that can be found with the discomfort of letting go of the shallow and superficial trappings of our lives. Its not easy and hurts like cold turkey, but it frees you to feel the real world and shows you where happiness truly hides. I'll not tell you. I wouldn't want to spoil it.

Consider this...our three greatest enemies are fear, guilt, and doubt. Our greatest allies are faith and free will. Our greatest powers are dissatisfaction and justification. We use none of them as we are supposed to. We invite them to run rampant through our lives. We hide behind our fantasies and dreams. We shape our world into an illusory prison so that we may find comfort from reality. We fight ourselves. We don't know any better. Only through diversity and suffering can we see from the other side. But these are not desirable and we flee from them with sane reason.

There is no way to artificially create enlightenment. It either happens or it doesn't. We cannot rebuild paradise nor simulate it with any lasting depth or substance. If there is heaven for us we will not find it here dreaming in the dirt. And we, by our nature, will not appreciate it until we've tasted the bitter stench of hell.

So, when you are unsatisfied with your life's trappings and seek out the newest, best, and most elaborate toy, remember that soon you will tire of its shiny joys and cast it aside. It will not fill your soul with harmony nor care for you in any way. It is only a toy.

Have sex when there is someone who you want to have sex with. Laugh with your friends every chance you get. Argue your opinions and fight to understand. Never surrender your self. The purpose of your life is to live. So live the best you can, as often as you can. Love for love's sake and no other reason. For everything else is a toy.

In the end, when we slip off into death's loving hands, we are alone for that moment and our lives will only be judged by us. Be true to yourself and you will find paradise.

Peace and sweet dreams, love.
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The movie I'm in... [Dec. 1st, 2007|10:10 am]
[Current Location |The Mik Cave of Yore]
[Current Mood |sleepysleepy]
[Current Music |Torn - Nathalie Imbruglia]

...is called Three Funerals and a Wedding. My grandmother died this morning at 6:15. She was four months away from 92 and had only one kidney left. Well, her kidney began failing her and was complicated with congestive heart failure.

She was conscious enough at the hospital to sign a DNR and DNI statement. Which means she didn't want life support and did not want to be resuscitated if she died. They were keeping her on a IV drip to keep her heart going and she asked to be taken off of it when they said that there was nothing they could do to help her. Her daughters said no but the hospital had to abide by her wishes. They said they had to execute her wishes that day and waited until midnight to take her off life support. She hung in there for 6 hours.

She was a strong person and has been through hell and back and back for more. I'm very happy she is no longer unhappy and I will miss her. I'm more worried about my mother who has been taking care of her for the past twenty years or so.

I've recently lost my cousin, my brother-in-law, and now my grandmother. Ed's wedding is next Saturday. That will be a good end to this movie. Pam asked me to do stand-up at the reception. I can't wait.

I hope the world keeps you well and offers you the chance for happiness.

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Vote for me... [Nov. 19th, 2007|11:45 am]
[Current Location |The Mik Cave of Yore]
[Current Mood |indescribableindescribable]
[Current Music |The Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack]

Yes 80%
No 23%

Lets101 - Free Online Dating

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My Incredible Friends... [Nov. 16th, 2007|09:20 pm]
[Current Location |The Mik Cave of Yore]
[Current Mood |relievedrelieved]
[Current Music |Deadwood mumbling through the ceiling above.]

Hello All,

After scraping what little money I made this week and selling a 1st Edition D&D Deities and Demigods (with Cthulhu and Melnibone in it) and some other junk, my Mom scrounged up some money, and one of my "finally fortunate" friends (he had a shitty past few years) offered to help, I have $4000 and have stopped the repossession of my car.

You guys make the world worthwhile and deserving of redemption. I cannot thank you enough. I no longer need money to save my car and I can live without money until the next payday. So, thank you for offering to help but you don't have to send me any money. I really appreciate all of you.

One day, I will have a party, and you're all invited.
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