|I walked in heaven.
||[Feb. 6th, 2008|01:04 am]
No matter what it was in reality, I walked in heaven. Eternity lay before me as beautiful as the woman I loved. No, that's too dramatic...poetic.
I was as close to being in love as I could ever be. That feeling was beyond anything that I've ever known. And someone was in love with me. I put my faith in love and I believed that no wrong could ever hurt me while I was in love. I was wrong. My love didn't want me. Our love wasn't strong enough for her wants to keep me. Love failed to overcome any obstacle. My world was shattered and I became a pathetic mess.
I was desperate to put it back, to fix it. My weakness overwhelmed me. I was nothing without my love. And it was true. I was without love. I couldn't feel it anymore. Not from the woman who loved me nor my friends who cared for me. I couldn't feel it. No matter how much I wanted it, it was gone. Instead of finding solace and compassion from my friends I found only disappointment and alienation. A few stood firm and weathered my insanity. To this day they still do. I had no idea that I had so few real friends nor how incredible they were.
I put my faith in people. I thought that everyone had the capacity for unlimited love. But people are scared and ignorant and selfish and obsessed with their own comfort far too much to allow love no limits. I am guilty of that as well.
I've never been so lost and hurt in my life. I have never been so aware of my being alone. My voice is tiny in this world and easily lost in the noise of everyone else's words. And so many people are saying the same thing as me. We're not saying anything that has not been said before. As if we are echoes with slightly different voices and choice of words. Nothing I can say matters. No one can hear me, I can't hear me. I'm not getting better.
I hurt today just as much as I hurt when I realized Veaya was no longer with me. The pain is not going away. I'm not healing. I keep fighting and fighting and fighting, but nothing changes. I try so many different things and nothing stops it. I've replaced her and distracted myself from her and become numb to the world and let my pain have me and denied it. I've run from it and ran towards it. It haunts my dreams and waking hours. It chases me from false sanctuary to false sanctuary. I cannot be rid of it.
I've tried to live with it. But I'm surrounded by people who are right next to me and completely, absurdly, out of reach. And those that reach for me, I recoil and run from them. They scare me. I don't trust me. I don't feel love. I don't feel them. I can't feel them. They are right there in front of me and I can't touch them. They want me and I can't have them. Because I want something more, something that may not exist. And I don't know what it is.
I walked in heaven and now I walk in hell as much so. There is a gnawing, empty, pain at the base of my skull that drives me to be a better person. There is a screaming, red, throbbing thought that tells me we need an obvious and lasting evil so that we might have the opportunity in the horror to be heroically good. So that we would put down the petty world and know what is truly important in this life. I don't want to be that evil, nobody does. Its uncomfortable. I do not want to sacrifice my life and lose the little comforts that I have left. No one wants to sacrifice their comfort to do the right thing. Only the legends of our past did so.
They say, in fictional writing, that a hero is only as great as his nemesis. If the bad guy is incredible, the hero must be equally so to stand up to evil or defeat it. The worst of times brings our most celebrated heroes to life. Nobody gave a shit about the firefighters and cops of New York City until the tragedy of 9/11 happened. Now they are our heroes. But even their heroic deeds are waning to time and popularity.
But I digress.
The problem with finding happiness with the "toys" we surround ourselves with in success, is that someone is going to be left out of the happiness. Not everyone can afford the "toys" of the world or better, they refuse them. They will never find happiness this way. Is there another way? Even the ones who can afford "toys" find that there happiness never endures and is gone until rekindled with another "toy". But this doesn't matter. It is just another petty noise I make. Let the world find happiness where it wants.
Though I no longer find happiness there. I am lost and lonely and scared.
I don't think I will find heaven again. I hope it finds me.