| The Toy House |
[Sep. 23rd, 2008|01:15 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Downtown Apartment | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | I Miss You - Blink 182 | ] |
I want to open a toy store in Little Five Points. |
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| Memorial Day |
[May. 23rd, 2008|08:24 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Late for Work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  full | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Oscillating Ceiling Fan | ] |
RenFaire Saturday...join me!
Lake Lanier Sunday...cook out!
Have a fun holiday everyone! ;) |
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| I'm awake |
[May. 10th, 2008|11:54 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | A home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  dead | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Prayers on the Wind | ] |
I dreamed last night a great memory of joy with my love...
The harshness of waking near struck my soul with despair...
My strength lies with me when I'm brought down waiting...
Again in dreams I rise and the weight of me suffers.
This path of no beginnings holds me fast for I dare not wander...
Look away and see me no longer to give your heart ease...
A blind path is easier to follow with will abandoned...
No where do we travel any faster than here. |
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| I lost a friend |
[Apr. 16th, 2008|08:35 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Late | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | None | ] |
And it breaks my heart.
They were worth the risk, but I knew it was a risk right from the start.
Its just sad. |
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| So, no jokes aside... |
[Apr. 1st, 2008|01:23 am] |
...yesterday was the second anniversary of my divorce. I celebrated with friends at the Highlander and failed to win DRUNK bingo.
On a different note. Everything is going well. I'm doing fine and seem to be a little happy in spite of myself. Wacky how the world turns round.
I hope everyone else is doing well.
See ya around.
Mickey |
|
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| I walked in heaven. |
[Feb. 6th, 2008|01:04 am] |
No matter what it was in reality, I walked in heaven. Eternity lay before me as beautiful as the woman I loved. No, that's too dramatic...poetic.
I was as close to being in love as I could ever be. That feeling was beyond anything that I've ever known. And someone was in love with me. I put my faith in love and I believed that no wrong could ever hurt me while I was in love. I was wrong. My love didn't want me. Our love wasn't strong enough for her wants to keep me. Love failed to overcome any obstacle. My world was shattered and I became a pathetic mess.
I was desperate to put it back, to fix it. My weakness overwhelmed me. I was nothing without my love. And it was true. I was without love. I couldn't feel it anymore. Not from the woman who loved me nor my friends who cared for me. I couldn't feel it. No matter how much I wanted it, it was gone. Instead of finding solace and compassion from my friends I found only disappointment and alienation. A few stood firm and weathered my insanity. To this day they still do. I had no idea that I had so few real friends nor how incredible they were.
I put my faith in people. I thought that everyone had the capacity for unlimited love. But people are scared and ignorant and selfish and obsessed with their own comfort far too much to allow love no limits. I am guilty of that as well.
I've never been so lost and hurt in my life. I have never been so aware of my being alone. My voice is tiny in this world and easily lost in the noise of everyone else's words. And so many people are saying the same thing as me. We're not saying anything that has not been said before. As if we are echoes with slightly different voices and choice of words. Nothing I can say matters. No one can hear me, I can't hear me. I'm not getting better.
I hurt today just as much as I hurt when I realized Veaya was no longer with me. The pain is not going away. I'm not healing. I keep fighting and fighting and fighting, but nothing changes. I try so many different things and nothing stops it. I've replaced her and distracted myself from her and become numb to the world and let my pain have me and denied it. I've run from it and ran towards it. It haunts my dreams and waking hours. It chases me from false sanctuary to false sanctuary. I cannot be rid of it.
I've tried to live with it. But I'm surrounded by people who are right next to me and completely, absurdly, out of reach. And those that reach for me, I recoil and run from them. They scare me. I don't trust me. I don't feel love. I don't feel them. I can't feel them. They are right there in front of me and I can't touch them. They want me and I can't have them. Because I want something more, something that may not exist. And I don't know what it is.
I walked in heaven and now I walk in hell as much so. There is a gnawing, empty, pain at the base of my skull that drives me to be a better person. There is a screaming, red, throbbing thought that tells me we need an obvious and lasting evil so that we might have the opportunity in the horror to be heroically good. So that we would put down the petty world and know what is truly important in this life. I don't want to be that evil, nobody does. Its uncomfortable. I do not want to sacrifice my life and lose the little comforts that I have left. No one wants to sacrifice their comfort to do the right thing. Only the legends of our past did so.
They say, in fictional writing, that a hero is only as great as his nemesis. If the bad guy is incredible, the hero must be equally so to stand up to evil or defeat it. The worst of times brings our most celebrated heroes to life. Nobody gave a shit about the firefighters and cops of New York City until the tragedy of 9/11 happened. Now they are our heroes. But even their heroic deeds are waning to time and popularity.
But I digress.
The problem with finding happiness with the "toys" we surround ourselves with in success, is that someone is going to be left out of the happiness. Not everyone can afford the "toys" of the world or better, they refuse them. They will never find happiness this way. Is there another way? Even the ones who can afford "toys" find that there happiness never endures and is gone until rekindled with another "toy". But this doesn't matter. It is just another petty noise I make. Let the world find happiness where it wants.
Though I no longer find happiness there. I am lost and lonely and scared.
I don't think I will find heaven again. I hope it finds me.
Mickey |
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| The answer to one little question... |
[Jan. 9th, 2008|02:46 am] |
I just posted this response to a friend's journal. Enjoy.
Sex, for all the right reasons, is incredible. Sex for sex sake will leave you empty and hollow like any heavy drug. The quick way to happiness has never been the best way. Neither has gathering the world's toys around you. You may find comfort for a moment but it leaves you craving more and more while satisfying your hunger less and less. Nothing you own will ever bring you lasting or true happiness. It only brings you comfort and still that does not last. Its not supposed to.
There is a certain freedom that can be found with the discomfort of letting go of the shallow and superficial trappings of our lives. Its not easy and hurts like cold turkey, but it frees you to feel the real world and shows you where happiness truly hides. I'll not tell you. I wouldn't want to spoil it.
Consider this...our three greatest enemies are fear, guilt, and doubt. Our greatest allies are faith and free will. Our greatest powers are dissatisfaction and justification. We use none of them as we are supposed to. We invite them to run rampant through our lives. We hide behind our fantasies and dreams. We shape our world into an illusory prison so that we may find comfort from reality. We fight ourselves. We don't know any better. Only through diversity and suffering can we see from the other side. But these are not desirable and we flee from them with sane reason.
There is no way to artificially create enlightenment. It either happens or it doesn't. We cannot rebuild paradise nor simulate it with any lasting depth or substance. If there is heaven for us we will not find it here dreaming in the dirt. And we, by our nature, will not appreciate it until we've tasted the bitter stench of hell.
So, when you are unsatisfied with your life's trappings and seek out the newest, best, and most elaborate toy, remember that soon you will tire of its shiny joys and cast it aside. It will not fill your soul with harmony nor care for you in any way. It is only a toy.
Have sex when there is someone who you want to have sex with. Laugh with your friends every chance you get. Argue your opinions and fight to understand. Never surrender your self. The purpose of your life is to live. So live the best you can, as often as you can. Love for love's sake and no other reason. For everything else is a toy.
In the end, when we slip off into death's loving hands, we are alone for that moment and our lives will only be judged by us. Be true to yourself and you will find paradise.
Peace and sweet dreams, love. |
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| The movie I'm in... |
[Dec. 1st, 2007|10:10 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Mik Cave of Yore | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Torn - Nathalie Imbruglia | ] |
...is called Three Funerals and a Wedding. My grandmother died this morning at 6:15. She was four months away from 92 and had only one kidney left. Well, her kidney began failing her and was complicated with congestive heart failure.
She was conscious enough at the hospital to sign a DNR and DNI statement. Which means she didn't want life support and did not want to be resuscitated if she died. They were keeping her on a IV drip to keep her heart going and she asked to be taken off of it when they said that there was nothing they could do to help her. Her daughters said no but the hospital had to abide by her wishes. They said they had to execute her wishes that day and waited until midnight to take her off life support. She hung in there for 6 hours.
She was a strong person and has been through hell and back and back for more. I'm very happy she is no longer unhappy and I will miss her. I'm more worried about my mother who has been taking care of her for the past twenty years or so.
I've recently lost my cousin, my brother-in-law, and now my grandmother. Ed's wedding is next Saturday. That will be a good end to this movie. Pam asked me to do stand-up at the reception. I can't wait.
I hope the world keeps you well and offers you the chance for happiness.
Mickey |
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| My Incredible Friends... |
[Nov. 16th, 2007|09:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Mik Cave of Yore | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Deadwood mumbling through the ceiling above. | ] |
Hello All,
After scraping what little money I made this week and selling a 1st Edition D&D Deities and Demigods (with Cthulhu and Melnibone in it) and some other junk, my Mom scrounged up some money, and one of my "finally fortunate" friends (he had a shitty past few years) offered to help, I have $4000 and have stopped the repossession of my car.
You guys make the world worthwhile and deserving of redemption. I cannot thank you enough. I no longer need money to save my car and I can live without money until the next payday. So, thank you for offering to help but you don't have to send me any money. I really appreciate all of you.
One day, I will have a party, and you're all invited. |
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|
| hi there |
[Nov. 16th, 2007|10:40 am] |
Hi all, this is ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) superactiongo reporting for Biff Rocko News. In reference to this post, I just received a text message from Biff saying his mother has come up with another $1000, so he now has $2000 towards the truck. He wanted me to post here and update everyone. |
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| My pathetic life |
[Nov. 15th, 2007|06:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Mik Cave of Yore | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Something by the Violent Femmes. | ] |
Hello all,
Three years ago my finances dropped through the floor when I lost my job. I have not recovered. As a matter of fact, things just keep getting worse. I bought into a business that was having trouble and got it out of trouble just for the market to fall and now we're in trouble again. To say the least, I have been paying myself as a helper and this year I've made half that much. The company still stands but I won't for much longer. More and more I've lost the things I worked for in my life and now I'm down to my car. Its the last thing I own, other than clothes and trashy furniture.
I owe $4000 on my car. I don't have the money. I just sold what valuables I had and have around $1000 but its not enough. I'm giving them back my car Saturday and they will hold it for 21 days before taking it to the auction. If I can pay them $3000 by then I can have my car back. I will be getting money from a house (finally) at the end of December but that will be too late. My car is my job. I haul everything in it to and from jobsites. I literally live out of it other than internet, bed, and bathroom.
I know people have helped me out in the past couple of years and I haven't repaid all of you. I don't know what else to do. I work as hard as I can and it never seems to help.
Thank you,
Mickey |
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| My Brother-In-Law |
[Nov. 3rd, 2007|09:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
My sister's husband, Mark Conley, died yesterday. His funeral is Tuesday and viewings are tomorrow and Monday. |
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| Trick or Treat |
[Nov. 2nd, 2007|12:14 pm] |
| My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul |
|---|
| biff_rocko goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Barroom Ogre. | | goblinkatie tricks you! You get a rock. | | imperatrix gives you 6 green peach-flavoured wafers. | | jigsawdiva gives you 11 milky white orange-flavoured gummy worms. | | kittenspeaks tricks you! You get a toothbrush. | | kizdeana gives you 13 dark green coffee-flavoured nuggets. | | mystae gives you 17 teal banana-flavoured nuggets. | | pipistrella gives you 3 light orange passionfruit-flavoured pieces of bubblegum. | | suibhne gives you 11 dark blue mint-flavoured gummy worms. | | wytcheshonor gives you 1 light orange coffee-flavoured jawbreakers. | | zeppo gives you 1 tan coconut-flavoured gummy bats. | | biff_rocko ends up with 63 pieces of candy, a rock, and a toothbrush. | | Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern. |
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| Halloween and me... |
[Oct. 31st, 2007|05:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Mik Cave of Yore!!!! | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  mischievous | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack...of course. | ] |
I'm handing out candy tonight. I'm dressed normally but I have red contacts and tusk. It freaks people out more.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, Y'ALL!!!!!
;) |
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| Myself |
[Oct. 30th, 2007|01:15 am] |
I feel more like myself than I have in a very, very, very long time. I am poor with little to no prospects for changing this, nearly destitute but living off the kindness of others, uncomfortable yet not unhappy about it, struggling against the requirements of society and holding my own, hiding from the creditors with guile and stealth. I have little to nothing to hold me anywhere, very few obligations, though sad at times not being part of something with someone, I enjoy the company of friends (old and new) and the freedom my situation affords me. I have little to offer anyone who is concerned about the security of their future or surrounding themselves with comfort, but I still have the power and drive to help people when they need me. I may not help much, but mostly people really don't need much help. The little I can do is more than enough to bring me satisfaction and some joy or happiness to them. That is good. I am glad when I am needed. I am happiest when I am helping someone.
Don't get me wrong, I have wants and desires beyond that. It is a little sad that I have no luck in getting those things that I want, but they are only things and become less and less important every day. I am starting to enjoy being uncomfortable. The excitement of not knowing what is going to happen is quite addictive. I am confronted with problems (most of my own making) every day, but I am getting practice at finding solutions to these problems or coming to terms with them when there is no solution. My grandfather once told me that the glory of problems is that they have a solution. If it doesn't have a solution, then it is a fact and you shouldn't worry so much about it. (He drank a bunch.)
I'm sure that if it is out there, it will find me somehow. And if I'm done, I'm done. That's not giving up, its just facing the possibility of fate.
So, have a good day, if it is in your want to do so.
Sweet dreams,
Mickey |
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| On the subject of me... |
[Oct. 19th, 2007|01:18 pm] |
I know the past couple of years has been an explosion of depression and self-pity from me. My world ended and well, I wasn't doing very well. But THE world did not in fact end and I am OK. Thank you all for the empathy, sympathy, pity, and help you offered. I appreciate it more than I can say. Though I may rant every once in a while, some dark theory of the puzzle of the world, I am doing well now. I think this next year is going to be a good one.
Smile, it gets better.
Mickey |
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| Happy Birthday Thanks & All... |
[Oct. 14th, 2007|07:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Mik Cave of Yore. | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Hong Kong Phooey - Sublime | ] |
Thank you for everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday. Great big thanks for all that showed to see me destroy myself in record time with Strega-Meisters & Silver Patron. I hope you had a good time after I was gone and I was gone about an hour into it. A special thanks to those who watched over me, you may have saved my life if not my soul. The biggest thanks to she who drove me and my car home and him that followed us. And that's all I got to say about that!
To those who could not make it for whatever reason, I miss you. I wish you were here. I hope to see you soon.
The joy I do find in this world is because of all of you and you all bring me joy. Thank you.
Mickey |
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